Reality Amuck™

This weekend our humble home was paid a visit by an old friend. In preparation for his arrival and overnight stay the house was required to be clean so as to give the impression that we were a civilized family and not the band of wild tribesmen that just stumbled out of the jungles in some “Robinson Crusoe”-type novel that we generally appear to be.  As the cleaning progressed tension mounted and nerves became frayed. I suddenly made the realization that after all of this cleaning and scrubbing I would still, at the end of the day, have two boxes of dirt and cat crap remaining in my house—ON PURPOSE!

I have never been a cat person; in fact I could honestly say that I’ve hated almost every cat that I’ve had the misfortune to have met.  When a pet was to be had the choice was clear; get a dog. Yes, dogs have their own faults and fallacies, but at least when you have a dog you have the potential of it coming to you when called. Cats are basically stuck up, arrogant little bastards that have no sense of responsibility, loyalty or gratitude. Give a dog food and he looks at you to say, “Thanks”, give food to a cat and it looks at you as to say, “What took so long?”

So of course when we moved out of our apartment and into a nice big house with a nice big fenced in yard the call for a pet arose and was met with the answer: two cats. Now it appears the unusual side effect of my not liking cats is for the cats to be obsessed with me. Whenever I sit down, within minutes a cat will find its way into my lap and promptly begin sleeping. When I lie down to go to sleep, a cat will feel the deep rooted need to sleep on my chest.  My suspicion is that the cats are constantly chased, held or mauled by the children and here I am ignoring them. I show no interest in them. Either they go into “Hello! Pay attention to me!” mode or they are using me as a means of escaping the children as no one generally will annoy them when they are in my lap.

This brings up another thought, why do cats feel or believe that their butts are the most attractive feature? I’ve heard comedians comment on this subject before but never realized how true it was until we owned cats. At every opportunity the cat will try very hard to show off its butt.

“Hey, Hue-Mon! Check this out, huh?”

“Please get down.”

“Wait, did you see the butt? Magnificent isn’t it?”

“Yeah, great, whatever, please just go away.”

“What, and deprive you of this view? It would be heartless of me.”

So I have two boxes of cat crap in my house, on purpose. I get yelled at for tracking a little wet grass from the yard into the house, but she keeps two boxes of dirt and cat crap in the house.  Life has been good to me, I guess.

BTM