Reality Amuck™

UPDATE: My apologies to anyone offended by the original posting. I have now edited the original to remove the more distasteful language in order to maintain a more "family friendly" feel to the site. Again, I apologize for my original insensitivity.

Last night as I lay in bed my thoughts cluttered with ideas of wanting to become a professional cartoonist, I had a dream. In this dream I was in a room full of drafting tables, cintiqs and iMacs. Sitting at these tables were myself and other wannabe pro-webcartoonists. As we chatted about our old failed attempts at a webcomic, Scott Kurtz and Kris Straub walked in to the room and the following happened:

Kurtz: Let me have your attention for a moment! So you're talking about what? You're talking about...(puts out his cigarette)...b****ing about that webcomic you dropped, some son of a b***h that doesn't want to read, somebody that doesn't want what you're selling on your site, some broad you're trying to f**k and so forth. Let's talk about something important. Are they all here?
Straub: All but one.
Kurtz: Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important! (to Smith) Put that coffee down!! Coffee's for cartoonists only. (Smith scoffs) Do you think I'm f**king with you? I am not f**king with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Guigar and Kellett. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Smith?
Smith: Yeah.
Kurtz: You call yourself a cartoonist, you son of a b***h?
Toivas: I don't have to listen to this s**t.
Kurtz: You certainly don't pal. 'Cause the good news is -- you're fired. The bad news is you've got, all you got, just one week to regain your jobs, starting tonight. Starting with tonight's comic. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this month's sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a table at the Comic Con. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize's a set of pens. Third prize is you're fired. You get the picture? You're laughing now? You got "How to Make Webcomics". Guigar and Kellett paid good money. Get your ideas and draw them! You can't draw the ideas you're given, you can't draw s**t, you ARE s**t, hit the bricks pal and beat it 'cause you are going out!!!
Smith: The ideas are weak.
Kurtz: 'The ideas are weak.' F***ing ideas are weak? You're weak. I've been in this business ten years.
Tovias: What's your name?
Kurtz: F*** YOU, that's my name!! You know why, Mister? 'Cause you drove a Hyundai to get here tonight, I drove an eighty thousand dollar BMW. That's my name!! (to Smith) And your name is "you're wanting." And you can't play in a man's game. You can't draw them. And you go home and tell your wife your troubles. Because only one thing counts in this life! Get them to click on the line which is hyper! You hear me, you f***ing f****ts?
(Kurtz flips over a blackboard which has two sets of letters on it: ABC, and AIDA.)
Kurtz: A-B-C. A-always, B-be, C-cartooning. Always be cartooning! Always be cartooning!! A-I-D-A. Attention, interest, decision, action. Attention -- do I have your attention? Interest -- are you interested? I know you are because it's f*** or walk. You cartoon or you hit the bricks! Draw -- Do you Draw everyday?!! And action. A-I-D-A; get out there!! You got the potential readers comin' in; you think they came in to avoid the spam? Guy doesn't click on the site store unless he wants to buy. Sitting out there waiting to give you their money! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? (to Tovias) What's the problem pal? You. Tovias.
Tovias: You're such a hero, you're so rich. Why you coming down here and waste your time on a bunch of bums?
(Kurtz sits and takes off his gold watch)
Kurtz: You see this watch? You see this watch?
Tovais: Yeah.
Kurtz: That watch cost more than your car. I made $970,000 last year. How much you make? You see, pal, that's who I am. And you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a s***. Good father? F*** you -- go home and play with your kids!! (to everyone) You wanna work online? Cartoon!! (to Jones) You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this -- how can you take the abuse you get at a con?! You don't like it -- leave. I can go online tonight with the materials you got, make myself fifteen thousand dollars! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! A-B-C!! Get mad! You sons of b***hes! Get mad!! You know what it takes to draw web comics?
(He pulls something out of his briefcase)
Kurtz: It takes brass balls to draw webcomics.
(He's holding two brass balls on string, over the appropriate "area"--he puts them away after a pause)
Kurtz: Go and do likewise, gents. The money's out there, you pick it up, it's yours. You don't--I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out to those drawing tables tonight and cartoon, cartoon, it's yours. If not you're going to be shining my shoes. A bunch of losers sitting around in a bar, (in a mocking weak voice) "Oh yeah, I used to be a cartoonist, it's a tough racket." (He takes out large stack of red index cards tied together with string from his briefcase) These are story ideas. These are the Eisner story ideas. And to you, they're gold. And you don't get them, because to give them to you is just throwing them away. (he hands the stack to Straub) They're for cartoonists.
I'd wish you good luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. (to Tovias as he puts on his watch again) And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because Guigar and Kellett asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said the real favor, follow my advice and fire your f***ing ass because a loser is a loser.
(He stares at Tovias for a sec, and then picking up his briefcase, goes into inner office with Straub)

Sorry for ripping off dialogue from my favorite scene in any movie, ever. But I think a lesson can be learned. If you want to be successful in webcomics, Always Be Cartooning. As I walked around #NEWW this past weekend I happened to engage in conversation with another "wannabe" cartoonist. He said the main difference between us in front of the tables and them behind the tables was excuses. Everyone there faced the same day-to-day challenges, more or less, but when it came time to make excuses the people behind the tables made comics instead. "So what do you want to do, make comics or make excuses?"

Truer words haven't been spoken. If you want to be a web cartoonist get off your arse and cartoon. Write those scripts, draw those strips and update on time. No one cares that you have a 40 hour / week day job and the boss was riding your tail this week so you had to miss the update. No one cares that your kid got sick so you missed the update. If you want readers, you sit at that drawing table, cintiq or wacom and you draw the best damned comic you can draw and you publish it on a regular basis. You will get an audience and you will be a cartoonist. And if you are good enough, some day you will sit at that table being hounded by hundreds of fans for a sketch in the front of your latest book that they've been pre-ordering for weeks before the con.

This is much more advice to myself than to anyone else, but if any other "wannabe" cartoonists get something from it and succeed, good. Now go draw something and don't worry about the rest of it.